messing up

it’s only a couple minutes before we leave to go to your memorial.  i’m sitting in the basement at my place because it’s the only place to be alone, and because this is where you used to help me see new perspectives about my art and my methods.  i miss you, and I’ve been grouchy all day and especially to sherry and james, more so as i try to write this.  i know you’d make a weird face and ask my why i’m doing that - it’s not their fault you died.  and you’d be right.

i guess, i just want to thank you again - for all the insight and comfortable conversation, for the easy friendship you offered, and for the way you taught me through your actions about being available to people, being always curious and interested, and somehow being honest and opinionated without being offensive.

you said in one of your e-mails (the one posted about your thoughts on death) that eternal life make more sense when it is viewed as eternal growth, that life isn’t a state of being - so much as a state of motion/exploration/growing.  as with all of your opinions (at least all those I was privy to), you had this amazing way of simply stating something you were living.  thanks for that - because it is so easy now to picture you doing the same thing for eternity - being so amazed by the new things you are discovering.  i even get this image of god laughing as you get all excited by the new discoveries.  as if He is enjoying you being you - and i am happy for you.  and sad for all of us - who miss you deeply.

it’s true, what the bible says - that we do not mourn like those that have no hope - that intermingled in our sorrow is the undercurrent of the certainty that you are ok, and better than ever.  but we all still mourn your absence.

i’m happy for you, and smile through quite a few spontaneous tears.   see you soon.

jason

Oh yeah - i called this entry “messing up” because you had talked to me a bit about how you were (for some reason unknown to yourself) always trying to mess things up.  but to your astonishment, they always seemed to work out even better, no matter how hard you tried.  you said you thought god did that to remind you that it is his doing that made you successful as an artist and as a person.  though it’s obvious you didn’t choose to die - i definately think most of us would say that it messed things up a bit.  but now so many people are “doing something” spontaneously, moved by your life and example, moved by the sadness and the shock, and moved by our need to act on these emotions and not just sit passively in sadness.  you (or you would credit god) has yet again used this “messing up” to accomplish the very thing you worked for in life - to get people to do something - to not worry if it is ok or right or correct, but simply to act out of the heart and personality.  and you always connected so many people - and even now (especially today) so many people are being brought together by you.  so things may not be as “messed up” as they seem.  and maybe god is still at work in that crazy way he works - where he doesn’t so much control as he makes good come from the very things that cause us to lose hope.